Trying to Cope

5 months, more than that actually since I found out the hard truth that my dad has lost himself. Truly, in the sense that he doesn't know who, what, or why he is doing what he is doing. I mean lets be honest, we all know who, but what no one, not even himself can figure out is to what purpose he is doing this and why?! As I try to wrap my brain around all these questions that are bouncing around in my head I can't help but feel helpless. I have no power, no influence, and no say in what he does with his life and how he keeps crushing my family with his selfishness. Where is the end in all this pain? Does it go away, do we just continue to live our lives with this huge gaping whole he left in the middle of our family? Does time really heal something that should never have happened in the first place?

Every day, every hour, every minute, down to every second that he misses a little more of myself feels damaged, confused, and burning with, hate?, pain?, or loss? I honestly can't say, but my heart feels on fire, sometimes I feel like I'm going to burn from the inside out. There are times that even the blood running through my veins feels on fire and the confusion is almost crippling.

I see my family hurting, tears burning their cheeks and I feel helpless standing there knowing that there is nothing I can say or do to make the pain go away. I want so badly to make this go away for them, I want so badly to be able to change this.

I'm writing this not to hurt anyone or to worry them, I'm writing this to try to come to terms with what I'm feeling inside. I'm writing this because I can't do anything else. I'm writing this not as me giving up or not trusting in God but as an outlet for the pain and confusion I'm feeling right now.

Kasey